Almost Through The Holidays

I like a good challenge and I think it's important with this disease to always set goals/challenges and celebrate the small successes. However, I'm taking a moment to reflect and it occurs to me that often my goals involve pleasing others with little benefit to me.

Did I really need to host Christmas dinner? Why didn't I pawn that responsibility to my sister or my mother? Sure, I had fun, but really, it took a lot of energy - valuable energy I should conserve for survival now. I guess I'm still learning to say no. Funny though, my NMO sisters (that's what I'm calling C and E now) did the same thing and hosted parties too. And while I was drafting this blog, C actually wrote the same thing here: http://www.theblindcook.com/.

I found the holidays very testing this year for several reasons. Again, dealing with my alcohol consumption and constantly saying no at gatherings is very exhausting. Hosting dinner for my family seems like a fun idea but I spent an entire day preparing by myself and by the main event I was feeling drained and wishing everyone would go home. The Christmas tax, which is what I call the excessive spending that is required over the season, also keeps me up at night. I'm still recovering from the last year not making as much as I did before.

Throughout all this I start to panic a lot on the inside - all while putting on a brave face. I hate that I do rely on my support network to get through busy times like this. I feel a sense of insecurity and embarrassment that I need those close to me. It has become my reality and I am humbled by it. Dec. 30th was the 1 year anniversary that marked the loss of Michelle Lang, another Canadian journalist who was posted in Afghanistan. My husband has been there twice on a similar assignment so thinking of Michelle and the 4 soldiers who died alongside her rips at my soul. I barely made it through the holidays without him (he worked a lot) so the thought of him being gone that long on another assignment, to somewhere so dangerous, and maybe never coming home - it haunts me. I can't even take comfort that our troops have made an impact and I can't help but think that the exact civilians she was trying to reach out to aided in the attack on her convoy.

I feel like I live in constant terror - losing him, losing me, losing the family we have been working so hard to build together. Maybe my resolution should be to fight the fear.